Fashion No-Ho!

I remember when I was a girl my mother swore that two things that would never ever come back into style the first being leg warmers, the second being leggings. However, both are back and at full force. Now there is one thing I swore would never come back is tie-dye. Today, both of us were very, very, very wrong and so was this girl's outfit.




First and foremost, LEGGINGS DO NOT LOOK GOOD ON PEOPLE WITH THICK LEGS! I have thick legs, so bye-bye leggings! Now this young lady in question did not have thick legs, but I believe that if you're not emaciated leggings just aren't that attractive. If you are emaciated, watch out because I'm going to hog tie you and force feed you a sandwich.



I'd had a long day at school, and as walking off campus there she was...

 It was the tie dye shirt that initially caught my attention, and then I realized it was dreadfully short. Like when girls get the kiddie boy white tee shirts so they're tight on the chest when they go to do home made tie-dye. Anyhow, I go to mentally critique the rest of her ensemble expecting that maybe she's wearing Birkenstocks. O no, what I did catch was her crotch eating her leggings. Tip to young ladies: CAMEL TOE IS A NO, A NO... UNLESS YOU IS A HO, HO! Her nether regions were better outlined than my notes for political science. GAG!



Ladies, seriously. Didn't you're mother tell you to leave something to imagination? I'm not going to be a gyno when I grow up; I don't go to school to get an eye full of crotch-ola. I don't care how it looks in a magazine, so very few women are of the same body type of the emaciated tooth picks that grace the glossy pages we flip through religiously. The vast majority of what you see on models, in magazines and in fashion shows will not fit the average woman. If you dare to try it, it will most often look gawd awful. You can be one of the most beautiful women in the world and clothes can still plain ya down.



What I suggest pairing with leggings: miniskirts, shorter dresses, shorts, and tunics. However, I suggest AGAINST leggings if you're shorter or if you have athletic to thinker legs. If you fit in this category go with opaque tights that aren't patterned, or brightly colored. It won't appear to chop your leg at the ankle or calves. Leaving you with a more polished and stream lined look.



I'm a curvy girl. I've got a small waist, but I've got wide hips (think the red head from "Mad Men"). So I pick classic pieces, inspired by the 1950-1960s where women were allowed to be women. Allowed to be voluptuous. Seriously, this culture isn't working for us girls. Pick your own look, pick your own style. What works for one, doesn't work for another. Having an independent style, a signature look will not only make you feel confident, but you'll feel like you're being true to yourself. Figure out what your body type is, try different styles, maybe even try ranging sizes. So finish your Chubby Hubby tonight, pick back up on the Pilates in the morning. You're beautiful the way you are (as long as you're not in tie dye or putting your legging munching cooter on display! Even then you might still be beautiful, but who would notice?

"Jennifer's Body"

Here's an idea. How about I get to possess Megan Fox's body for a week? I would love to prance around in her size one jeans for a few days. I must say, I rolled my eyes at the previews for a few weeks, until I realized it was written by Diablo Cody. After seeing it I must say I was impressed. I was plesantly suprised, and highly recommend it. I've never seen a horror movie that I found to be amusing, not campy-amusing, but it was actually funny. It was Carrie meets Mean Girls meets The Hot Chick. It was well written (of course), and had a few really great one liners. Its definately a must see!

Tit and Tat. Freud must be right... I Meant This and That

Me: I am reading an article about how women dress best while at their peak level of fertilitiy, which would mean I guess that I'm at my peak level of fertility.

Angelica: You looking schnazzy today?

Me: I dress up nice everyday now.

Angelica: McNippy and I didn't make out yet.

Me: Aw, you're taking it slow how cute.

Angelica: I cupped his boob

Me: Which one?

Angelica: The one with one nip.

A Tit Bit Nipply

This blog is an actual conversation which took place today around 7pm (Eastern Time), the names of the not so innocent have been changed so I don’t get verbally lashed by anyone mentioned within the conversation.




Angelica says: Hey you. What you up to?



bRi* says: Just finished my math. I didn't get it the first time so I had to do it all over again… boo!!



Angelica says: Oh that sucks. Math is no fun. I'm reading this book for my organization behavior class about how men and women are biologically different (physically AND mentally). it talks about how women can't read maps because we think differently and actually the book kind of pisses me off



bRi* says: Yeah I'd probably end up throwing it at some dude’s head and then shout "Bet you'll process differently now"



Angelica says: LOL that's why i adore you



bRi* says: Thanks



Angelica says: It talks about how we're not equal and how we're not inferior to one another, but just different. It makes me mad. I can do anything just as well as a guy.



bRi* says: Sing it with me, “Anything they can do I can do better, I can do anything better than them.” All I need is a bunch of blondes and a 6 pack of beer, and they'll be so busy with their other brain I and they’re out of the running.



Angelica says:… or redheads or brunettes or walking vaginas



bRi* says: is your prof in that class a man or a woman? You know what that book sounds like a book of shitty excuses, it defiantly was written by a man, for men to enjoy when it pisses off women.



Angelica says: It's a man of course



bRi* says: Who wrote it, Douche-bag?



Angelica says: ha ha no it was actually co-written by a married couple.



bRi* says: Wel,l she's an idiot. That book gives men an excuse for being remedial.



Angelica says: I agree. Okay so I kind of have a date to make out with McNippy tonight. Is that weird?



bRi* says: You made a date solely to make out? Yeah, that’s weird.



Angelica says: Sort of. We're hanging out tonight and he asked what we're going to be doing and I said maybe a movie, maybe shopping, maybe go for a walk and he said how about I come over and make out with him because his parents are in Phoenix.



bRi* says: Hey my parents are in Phoenix, small world. At least let him buy you a drink, or an ice cream or something before your tongue puts out. Come on woman, don’t make it so easy.



Angelica says: You are cracking me up. I should tell him you said that.



bRi* says: You can quote me on that.



Angelica says: McNippy thinks he is for sure getting some tongue tonight, but I think I need to see this third nipple before we round second base.



bRi* says: HE HAS A THIRD NIPPLE! DUDETELL THE BANKER NO DEAL!!!



Angelica says: Yes, he has a third nip, and I have not seen it



bRi* says: OMG! OMG! O-M-G! OOOOMMMMMGGGG! EWWWwwwww.



Angelica says: Barb tells me it's quite common. I say, If we end up getting married he has to have it removed



bRi* says: I’ll have to take your word for it. Hey wait a second! Yesterday you didn’t want him; today if you get married he's getting it cleavered off. You are something else. I guess the responsible and wise thing to do would be to look at the possibilities life from multiple angles.



Angelica says: Bri if you know anything about me it's that I am completely indecisive when it comes to boys.



bRi* says: And I am completely naïve, when it comes to them. I’d much prefer to be indecisive than naive. So you’re doing better than myself.



Angelica says: He's so skinny but apparently he has that V muscle on his lower abdomen and I'm all about that so I thought I’d give him a shot. I’m sure I’m just hormonal. You know we're supposed to be breeding at this age?



bRi* says: Well all the people that breed before the peak age were at now have persuaded me to keep my eggs in their pouch until my early to mid-thirties.





Angelica says: I hear that and me too, but biologically we're supposed to be breeding and that's why we're so crazy.



bRi* says: THAT IS THE BIGGEST LOAD OF HORSE SHIT I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE!!



Angelica says: What?



bRi* says: I want the title of that book and the publisher's name so I can go over there and shove it up the couple's asses we are 23-24 we are not supposed to be breeding... we're not fucking dogs and neither one of us are crazy.





Angelica says: Calm down sheeba.



bRi* says: I swear Im not crazy lmao



Angelica says: I'm not saying the author said that!



bRi* says: I thought you got that from the horse crap book



Angelica says: I'm saying that biologically our hormones are going nuts because we're at the peak baby making age my mom isn't boy crazy like me and I think it's because she has no hormones



bRi* says: I am boy crazy, but I am also severely terrified of relationships.



Angelica says: Yeah, but you'd still like to sleep with some random guy, right? Or is that just me? (Sans VD)



bRi* says: No, no random. More like no, no one. I can't get over the thought of someone seeing me naked. It grosses me out.



Angelica says: I've never done that. Oh my gosh you are totally focusing on the wrong things. Have you had that class with the cute boy in it?



bRi* says: My math class guy? No he's too skinny. I’m like two of him. This conversation is making me hungry. I want some chips.



Angelica says: How skinny is he???



bRi* says: Same size as ex-boyfriend who dumped me for being 145 lbs skinny.



Angelica says: So you haven't talked to him since?



bRi* says: I told him where he can stick his exponent. We most complain about the teacher and how cold the class room is.



Angelica says: Oooo I like where this is going. Dude, I ate some fried halibut and I am feeling so fluffy.



bRi* says: What if you get the burps and you burp halibut flavor into that make out session of yours? Friggen sexy. Back to the "V" muscle thing won't the mcnippy-nip-nippleage distract you from the v muscle?



Angelica says: See i don't know I have no idea what the nip looks like.



bRi* says: What if you sat there and just looked and on and looked at the other and just like couldn't figure it out?

Lesley says: If it's got a giant areola I am going to be majorly creeped.



bRi* says: At least he has three and not one massive one



Angelica says: Uni boob?



bRi* says: It wouldn’t be a bood just one massive nipple, it be even better if it was like in the middle of his chest.



Angelica says: Sick, you are twisted.



bRi* says: I know



Angelica says: What if it just looks like a mole?



bRi* says: Then just pretend its a mole



Angelica says: What is an umbrella exactly?



bRi* says: Umbrella? ella ella eh eh eh



Angelica says: No Rihanna keeps saying i can stand under her umber-ella, I’m so confused.



bRi* says: Maybe it’s a metaphor? Pop songs and stars usually don't use them because their audiences wouldn't understand them, but I guess if it sounds good people generally don’t care.



Angelica says: I would prefer to stand under just a plain umbrella. Personally, but I guess I'll huddle under Rihanna's umber-ella.



bRi* says: I'd want a Burberry umbrella



Angelica says: I want a pair of high end high heels



bRi* says: Im really into boots, not like hooker boots. I like to wear boots with dark denim.



Angelica says: Me too, but my calves are too fatty to zip them up



bRi* says: I wear the ankle ones



Angelica says: Those aren’t hooker boots silly.

Curiosity Killed the Cell

As Posted on Facebook/ Myspace Blog June 12, 2009

I usually pride myself on my super human intelligence. The average average IQ of the average American is 98; I am above a 150. This means I am considered superior to most of the American population. However, its days like today that make me question the validity of IQ tests.




I had just finished reading, “Bitter is the New Black” by Jen Lancaster (awesome read by the way, check it out). It was about one am maybe, I am not sure. I decided I was too tired to read, but not exhausted enough to throw in the towel and pass out. So I could not think of anything better to do than play with my cellular device. For those of you who do not live under my rock I just got a new phone with my Michigan number so I did not have a lapse in service.



Well, I have a best friend who will remain anonymous (until now, Mallory) who is really good and destroying phones or abusing them until they commit suicide. Therefore, when the time came around for me to get a phone I decided to learn her lesson and get the free ones that come with the plan. Well at a new stage I am entering in my life, I figured I step it up a notch and get something a little fancier. Therefore, I opted for the LG XENON, mostly because it had a GPS device and I do not want to end up in the wrong parts of Detroit, if there is not a part of it that is not wrong. (BTW, I love Detroit. It is like a lost, emaciated and severely abused and misunderstood creature that just needs a lot of rehabilitation and tough loving care.)



I digress. Therefore, I decided that I for whatever reason was going to set up security on my phone so I would have to log in with a password. Well I accidentally activated the security setting before I even established a password. This is very retarded on the person who created this phone’s end. Why would you allow a phone to activate its security when there is not a password to base it on? You are bag-a-douche, back to the drawing table mister. So I tried with the password I use for everything thinking “Maybe I already established a password since it is prompting me for one.” Hey, guess what Britard, “WRONG”.



My phone locked up and said I had ten chances to input my PUK code. Having no idea what in the Hades, a PUK code is. Therefore, that was not going to happen, and I did not have access to my browser on my phone, strike two. Then I realized at the bottom of the screen there was a button that said “Emergency”, so I pressed it. Thinking, “Yes, dear God this is an emergency I’m locked out of my phone. I need to wake up somehow in the morning and what am I going to do all day without MSN Messenger? I need to speak to someone at AT&T immediately”. Strike three, Bri. I am out of excuses for this one, my phone sent me to emergency dispatch aka “911”. Oops, I think I wore out my “end call” button in an attempt to hang up the phone. I was tweaking out, I totally called Michigan 911. Right? Way to start off on the right foot.



Since my phone was rendered useless by my curiosity I had to use my parents’ computer to figure out what a PUK code was, so yes, I Googled. Where I discovered that if I keep screwing with my phone my SIM card will self-destruct. Which made me think of that scene in “Mission Impossible” where Tom Cruise’s character’s mission tape self destructs 30 seconds at the end of the tape and a little cloud of smoke puffs out of the tape deck. I guess that you have to access the account online to get the PUK code, I guess that makes sense incase someone steals your phone. Still mad though, I don’t have access. So I e-mail my cousin, whom earlier in the day made a point to tell me that I was a “pain in the ass”.



Myspace Message Sent from Bri @ Sometime Yesterday/Today:



Um so idiot me forgot my pin code for my phone and it locked up my sim card. Im told if I keep f****** with it my sim card will destroy itself so I need you to go online and access the account and then go to the "unlock the sim" card option and then I need the PUK code. Im sorry, I made a boo boo.



Thanks for putting up with me,

Bri



Moral of the story: I discovered that an IQ is just a number, I’m “special”, and “I called Alaska 911 because it was the closest tower.” I think “special” might be giving me a little too much credit right now. I'm going back under my rock to sleep off the shame.